Life

I realized something else not long ago. I realized that no matter how you feel about someone else, no matter what you want from them, people are only willing to give so much of themselves. I finally woke up and realized that my happiness is most important. I also realized that I'm not #thatchick. I can't sit and wait patiently like a trained puppy, creep around like it doesn't matter, and only get whatever crumbs someone is willing to share with me.

I need and deserve the most out of life. I shed a few tears, but I feel okay. This is really hard but I'm going to be okay. This has gone on far too long, and it's past time to close that chapter of my life. I will remember and cherish it but I need to live my life and really live, not sit around waiting and hoping for a chance that's never going to come. Boy the lessons I am learning not at the hands of others but through my own life experiences...#definitelyNOTthejumpoff

Speechless

I'm at a loss for words right now. SMH...again I've done it to myself. I've got to learn these lessons.

Lessons

FML...that's how I'm kind of feeling today. Kids are gone and I am exhausted. I was up til 3am hanging out and realized something on the way home. I am not cut out to be a sidepiece. I talked to Ms. Daisy about the situation and she said do nothing it will resolve itself. The problem with that is I'm impatient and want answers and resolution now. I do know what I want...I want someone who can be here for me physically and emotionally. We cannot continue to live in the moment and not talk about what else is going on it's just not that simple. We are adults, I can't tell him how to live his life but I know what I want and he can't give it to me. He may not even be interested, I don't know what he wants because we don't have real conversations anymore (I think he's good with physical only). I don't know how long this can go on, but I will take Ms. Daisy's advice and enjoy the time while we have it. There will be no talks about feelings, and the future, there are no emotions involved. #wanting more than a cuddle buddy #actively looking.

Father's Day

Today I feel a little emotional...the sperm donor wasn't much, but I am thankful for my life, I miss my Grandfather, my Uncle Louis and I'm trying not to cry. I had a dream about the donor not long ago and it was weird because in the dream I was talking to him and I was telling him how angry I was and he was just sitting their holding my hand smiling. In a perfect world I would have someone to share today with. Someone to say thank you for being an amazing father, and great husband. Even someone just to hang out with today. I think it's just loneliness, I will be okay.

Time

Her birthday is tomorrow, she'll be 84. As time goes on I don't know if it's harder on me or harder on her. I feel like I'm loosing the one that I need the most, for her it's equally if not harder because she feels herself slipping away. She knows she has good days and bad days and they are hard on her because she hears herself asking the same questions over and over. She's not feeling the greatest, I don't know what to do with her anymore. I did make her laugh the other day when I told her about my visit and the conversation about the lube. As soon as I said "I saw your friend" her face broke out in a smile and she giggled and said "You had fun?". It made my heart happy, I do my best to treasure and enjoy those times when we have them.

Can't wait

I actually miss her (Ms. Daisy) I will probably regret that after she's been home for about 4 days. But that's okay I've got some gossip that she will need to put on a fresh depend when I start to share. I think she will be excited when we go to lunch for her birthday =)

Omg...

I almost forgot about Ms. Daisy and her shenanigans today. She was out of town for several weeks, came home for a few days and left again this morning. She "packed" her bag which I knew I would have to empty and repack later (par for the course). Last night I get her bag repacked from the hard-shell 1962 vintage suitcase chock full of CRAP she had pulled out (frown) into the modern soft suitcase with wheels and handle. She's almost ready and I say "Let me check your purse for contraband". She starts banging on me with that frown like she wants to kick my ass but can't remember how "FOR WHAT?!!" Needless to say I find a pair of cuticle scissors, 2 metal nail files in the bottom of her purse, and a statement from the 20 yr old annuity account that gives the impression that she has money (WRONG). I get her ready to walk out of the door with her favorite cab driver (her daughter, they are like oiland water together) when her precious bipolar emotionally retarded son passes her jacket to her. Before she jumps in the car I say "Whoa let me check your pockets" Again she gives me the look and hollers "I DON'T HAVE NOTHIN!!!" Ummm why did she think it was funny when I found my grandfathers money clip/pocket knife in her pocket #FAIL. Ms. Daisy you are a terrible smuggler, and failed terrorist have a wonderful flight. Gotta love her.

WTH??!!!

I am very particular about who I accept friend requests from on social sites. My "friends" are people that I grew up with, or attended school with for several years. I do not accept friends of friends, or random people. So i check my email the other day and get a request from someone who is DEFINITELY an EX-friend. Our friendship broke up many years ago with no uncertainty for very specific reasons. Unfortunately we had spent years around each other, but not long enough for her to be a decent human being and good friend to me. I said cool, I'm done with you #die bitch. The problem was having mutual friends I learned to do the social dance and when there were events I made sure that we sat on opposite sides of the room, or she would kindly come early and leave early, or just not show up so that we didn't run into each other at all =). What is this bitch thinking??? No I don't want to be her friend on fb she's no one/nothing to me. At this point I'm debating do I 1]ignore her, or 2]respond with a simple Why? These hoes are hilarious...

Ratchet...

I meet a good looking guy, gainfully employed, possibly interesting. We talk in passing for a few months and exchange phone numbers. Right away he starts texting me 3 and 4 times per day. Being me I'm already looking a little cockeyed like...what's really going on? I have NO TRUST, end of story. So we text back and forth and I'm waiting for some bs because I can smell it coming. The first thing in he's always texting me saying "baby, sweetheart, etc". RED LIGHT. I ignore the use of "nicknames" (it's too early, I don't even know your last name dummy). One evening about 7pm he texts me and says "What are you doing in the morning?" I said "I'm working...and you?" He says "I need to be picked up from the airport at 11am" My response? I'm working I'm sure you will find a way... U-TURN and strike #2 When the dust settled a few days later this ratchet ass dude had the nerve to ask me to bring him some breakfast. We have not gone on a date, met for drinks, or even been in public together...Say bruh? You've got me twisted...EPIC FAILURE, NEXT!!! I am NOT HER. *SMH*

She said...

Things Ms. Daisy has ALWAYS told me...
1) You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar
2) Never go to bed with dirty feet
3) Always fix yourself up, you never know who you're going to run into
4) Some people marry for money, but she married a man who loved her more than she loved him.
5) It's okay to keep some things to yourself, it keeps mystery in a relationship.
6) There's no fool like an educated fool
7) If a wife doesn't take care of home and her husband she's a damn fool because someone else will

My Life

Some days I feel like fml...I will very soon be kissing 30 good-bye. I was told by a "friend" that 40 was a bitch and she was coming for me whether I like it or not. I snickered since she had already laid them out in no uncertain terms. I had some friends who met her gracefully and continued to live accordingly. Well the end of 2010 was a little rough but I have decided that instead of trying to duck the inevitable I will kiss my 30's goodbye like that lover that is just no longer for me and I am preparing to wholeheartedly embrace 40 with every bit of passion I have inside of me.

I see turning 40 like I see life...sometimes we make things WAAAY more difficult than they need to be. I am committing to at least once a week sit down and share a life lesson or some tidbit of information I have learned on my own or even possibly shared by Ms. Daisy (my 83 yr old grandmother who giggles and laughs until she pees her pants at my occasional bad behavior).

I feel like if more people shared real stuff instead of bs the world would be a better place. I'm working on it...how about you?